Matt Matteson

Hello again.

I’m just sitting in the student center building reflecting on the calculus test. Almost makes me sick. I am considering the result of me failing calculus. Phrased that way, no problem, but then someone was saying if you fail calculus, you become a year behind, as you can’t take physics and such. I like the challenge that Mines is, we’ll sort of. It would be neat if it was just a challenge, but a challenge worth my time is not learning to do calculus without a calculator. Nowhere in my life do I care to have that skill. I spent about 15 hours in the last four days trying to learn this, and I am guessing I will have scribbled red mark on my test, resembling the numbers four and five, percent.

In studying for this test, I because a little better friends with a few people; but question if I hurt any relationships. I have the most bipolar thoughts, I will be both so juvenile and happy with something, or so angered by it. I can admit where I am quite well, but can’t control what puts me into such funks.

I can do what ever I please right now. I want a hug, but that isn’t in the books until I find someone from Littleton days. Not here, not tonight. I was invited to go to a party, well a few of them. That’s not me, I’d rather sit here, alone, then have to worry about others. Tonight I regret being so selfish, guess it shows a few people care. It is hard to be selfish if no one cares.

Tomorrow I will get up, fall behind in Chemistry, fall asleep in Earth Systems. I will get some work done, but never enough. The weekend will refill me enough to get by, but happen so fast I won’t enjoy it.

Am I not driven? The kids here have goals, but I can’t quite agree with them. When I went to dinner with Davey and his family, it seemed that the only thing in the world is money. I was glad I was there, it set a bit in perspective. Lance posted to his weblog he started last night that one of the reasons he wants to bike 470 miles in the forest to spend time with himself and God. As cool as that is, it is not me, not now. If I was to live for God, would I be here? Would passing calculus matter? From yet another view, while studying for tonight’s test a kid seemed to express he was here to get a job. Right now I seem to be getting by with the fire of others. My parents are so amazing and caring. My brother is always there. Friends can make me forget about everything else.

What is my plan? Perhaps a year off would have been the more money sensitive way to figure out this thing called the future. Instead I am here, meeting some amazing people, trying to keep up with life.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 29th, 2004 at Oct 29, 04 | 1:41 am and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.